A Light in the Darkness

He said to me, "As I am like the Father, so too are you". 

I stood there in the wilderness at night, the fires of camp still seen in the distance, and found myself wordless. The impact of his statement, launched like a thousand arrows, tore away all my solid grips on reality. 

"But that can't be", I uttered, "I am but simple man and a sinner". 

He looked at me for a time, and every part of me wanted to look away. But there in in his eyes, I saw the fires of divinity raging; and somehow I knew he was looking at the same thing in mine. My guts twisted like some invisible hand was ripping them downward. I cried out. 

"NO! This can not be" 

"But it is" he said calmly. 

I looked at him again, perhaps to rebuke him, perhaps to strike him. And again I saw heaven's fire burning there, yet this time it was not behind his eyes, or mine. There was only one fire and we, like smaller flames, arose and fell from within it over and over. There was no He, there was no I. The cold ground of night hurt as my knees hit it and I discovered I had collapsed, crying. 

"And now you know the burden of the truth", he said, "and the wonder of it all". He turned and walked casually back to camp humming a children's lullaby. 

Years later, I still wrestle with that evening in my mind. Still I can not seem to accept his words as I cling to the tattered rags that are my own beggar's raiment. Still I fear to let go of the those simple fictions I have wove for myself; still terrified to accept what will surely destroy the world before me and remake it in the light of heaven. 

Such is the predicament of humanity.

The Lantern

I stumbled in the dark and there before me was a lantern shining. Beheld, it illuminated the world and I came to know myself as I had not. As it cast its rays about, everything seemed set on fire; I too burnt with a glow unearthly. So it passed that I laid the lantern aside and walked in a dream of living light.

North I traveled and found shape; to the South, I found color. Sound and smell arose in the East and West respectively. All the world I traveled and every manner of sense and form did arise.

So vast and varied was it all that in time one thing washed into another. Sound was just sound. Color was just color. And further, as time passed, scent confused itself with shape. Travelling and travelling, sense became sense and nothing more.

Yet light burned within me still, and though the world had become a blur of nothing, all things still shone in the mind. In thought light prevailed.

In large things, I discovered patterns; in the small, discernment. Process and parts became clear in time and space imagined. Each direction my mind traveled and found there new thoughts.

So many thoughts came and went that eventually one thing washed into another. Concepts were just concepts, patterns were just patterns. And further on, process seemed the same as discernment. Thinking and thinking, all thought became thought and nothing more.

Thus the world was blur of nothingness and the mind a vacant chaos. All before and behind me was a darkness.

Then I stumbled in the dark and found a lantern there shining.

Conversation

A: I don't want to go on father. 

B: You don't have to. 

A: Yea, but I don't want it to end either. 

B: It doesn't have to. 

A: Can I have both? 

B: No. 

A: Why not? 

B: Because you don't really want it to end, you just want an end to life as you have known it: suffering. 

A: How do I end that? 

B: Stop being so concerned about you don't have and what is going to happen. 

A: But if I live like that, I'll fall into nothingness. 

B: See, there you go again. How do you know that will happen? 

A: Because I've done that before and it creates more suffering. 

B: Liar. 

A: What? How the hell am I lying? 

B: You haven't done it before and it led to suffering. What you have done is to ignore things put before you so could chase pleasure...and you did that because you were afraid of what right action would cost you. 

A: Huh? 

B: The wind blew you north, and you headed south fearing winter's grip. 

A: Oh. 

B: Don't worry. Simply stop now. Be where you are. Do what is put before you, both within in your heart and outwardly in your life. 

A: I'm scared. 

B: I know. 

A: What do I do? 

B: I just told you. 

A: But I said I am scared. 

B: so? 

A: SO?! Are you kidding me? You don't care that I am scared? 

B: I care, but it doesn't change anything. 

A: I don't follow. 

B: I can soften your fears and forever keep you in bondage to it, or I can let you walk painfully through them so that you find you are made of sterner stuff than you thought. Personally, I don't feel like crippling you. 

A: Yea. I don't much want to be crippled. 

B: See. Was that so hard? 

A: I guess not, but what do I do now? 

B: Take action upon the mandates of your conscience. Walk, right this moment, painfully into your future. 

A: ok, but wow, that sucks. 

B: You'll be surprised. You know all that bit about people always wanting to "really live"; well, you only find it by pushing through fear to live in action and in the moment. You are about to live. I love you. Good luck. 

A: Thank you. I love you too. Amen. 

B: Amen.